The Quest of the Lion Spirit
The story of an ex-drug dealer unable to love, going on a self-transforming journey to find the love of his life.
Tente an ex-drug dealer from a poor neighborhood who ended up becoming an addict, as a result of suffering several years of child abuse from his father and a man whom he considered a second dad, decided to change his destiny of becoming a monster like them by initiating a lonely journey to transform his inner spirit into a powerful Lion spirit and liberate him from the inherent suffer to find his eternal love.
Disoriented, I find myself abandoned on the hard floor of my home, invaded by the fear of being smashed again against the density of the walls that are supposed to protect me from any dangerous outsider. This deep shame is rising again up to the surface. I am so used to feeling this leaking sensation soaking my pants, wetting my skin, and smelling this particular odor. Tears pour down my cheek and my legs are covered in my own pee as an innocent victim who just got hunted, brutally overpowered, and bullied by this massive man, without standing a chance against him. The only thing I can do is wait for the storm to be over, and for the man to unleash his rage fully before calming down. Being bullied by my own dad is one of the most humiliating experiences that I could share, and therefore I promise to myself that nobody would ever see me again that fragile and vulnerable, ever again. By then I was not aware of the consequences this promise would have.
In the years of absence of my dad, and tired of not having enough money a sudden inner voice roared within me, “I am done with this sh*t!”. I feel this urge in my body to find a way out of this situation rapidly. Cocaine is now booming in the neighborhood. I take some of the savings I have made during my night shifts and invest in my first grams. Proudly I say to myself, “Now you will be the head of this family”, the provider, the man. The good days are rapidly over once I lose control over my own consumption, the increase in enemies searching for robbing easy money is going too far and the whistleblower confirmed to me that the constant pólice chase is not a coincidence. Stressed with the idea of ending up in jail or making my family victims of crime I realize that I have to escape before it is too late. There is the opportunity to finally escape, she is gorgeous and one of the most beautiful girls I could ever imagine escaping with. On a decisive night, I feel like a man on a missión, convinced of my duty I walk towards my friend take the weapon I ordered from him and go back straight to the car. My heart is pumping with the idea that anything could go wrong if he finds out our plan, but the silence of the night keeps me concentrated on what has to be done. There she is at the parking lot, our meeting point to escape to another island from her abusive dad, a corrupted cop. Little I knew there was a hidden drama coming up for me.
I am under a sudden attack from an intense female voice, arguing and insulting me. I have no option but than finding a safe space to disconnect, and as soon I enter the room a breathtaking moment invades my mind and calms it down. The intense pressure is gone, and the storm is finally over, but I keep asking myself, why did it even start, why is she so aggressively mad at me? Let's just sit down on the bed and try to relax. Suddenly I can hear her voice storming up the stairs, banging the door wide open as a huge tornado would kick into the room. The screaming insults and the amount of pressure thrown at me feel like being mentally raped by her. In just a second everything turns dark, an animal survival instinct kicks in taking over my entire body, I am turning from prey to hunter in a millisecond. My facial expression turns into a fearless jackal scanning the darkness in search of my prey, there she is! Before I can even react, I feel something moving under my legs, a bright light is wagging her little tail, and the cutest face I had ever seen emerges out of the dark with her innocent look. The love of my life, China, had come to save me from a point of no return. “Daddy, Don’t do it, Daddy, Don't do it!”. She immediately melts my rage into the most vulnerable tears. Darkness slowly fades away giving space to more clarity, she is bringing me back to reality with her hypnotic love. The female voice is slowly muted up till a point it does not affect me anymore, the only existing matter right now is embracing China with my deepest gratitude for showing me love when I most need it. I cannot go on like this, I have to find a way out of this relationship, the amount of toxicity is condemning my life.
I finally feel the weight of the relationship falling off my shoulders, there is nothing to worry about anymore, at least this is what I thought. My past decided to catch up on me, with a nasty bloody flavor. Doomed into this dense darkness, my emotional instability takes my mind into a state of madness. The abusive past is back in my head as one of the most intense and extreme horror movies I could imagine. The sounds, the smells, the images, and the sensations were flashing in my head as the worst life experience of my life, there is only one way out, killing myself.
But is it worth it?
I listen carefully to what this man in front of me has to share. I look at him when all of a sudden a light sparks inside of me in the form of hope. I do not have to kill myself to be liberated from the pain, I said.
A moment of silence follows when I can suddenly hear inside me, the roar of the Lion spirit. The voice unveiled my purpose, my deepest hidden desire, the most precious and sacred experience someone could ever live, a state blessed by love. My eyes open up widely, my mind falls into silence, everything is quiet, and everything becomes crystal clear. I realize the mental horror is over, and I am still alive. I feel an inner explosión conquering me as the wave of energy flows into each corner of my body. They call it the awakening of consciousness or kundalini. Follow the path of love is resonating in my head. Allow the power to emerge from the darkness and transform your inner Jackal spirit into the one of a Lion King.
Getting ready for my first sale on a sunny day at the Luxurious Versace store. My phone rings as usual, informing me there is a beautiful girl coming up to the men's floor. I am expecting to make my first sales when I am leaning over the stair rail and I realize she is carrying a bouquet of red flowers. She looks up crossing my sight and expressing a familiar charming smile, I recognize her.
She greets me by handing over the impressive bouquet with a letter attached to it. The silence is interrupted by her voice saying, "I am sorry, for what I did to our relationship, I would love you to read the letter in a calm space but I understand you might not even want to read it. I have dedicated the last months to becoming a better version of myself. I would love to ask you for another chance."
I am speechless, I cannot find any words for what I am witnessing, a beautiful girl, shining brightness, love, and compassion making proof of her devotion towards someone she believed was the one to spend the rest of her life with. I feel the uncertainty of doubts in my head and heart, the wound is still open and bleeding from lies and the sensation of infidelity, and trust does not seem to be available in any place. A week later, I text her with all my deepest appreciation, compassion, and admiration being grateful for showing me the power of devotion to conquer oneself with love. "I will never forget, what you did for me, the most beautiful act of redemption I will highly probably ever experience in my life, I hope you can understand that the trust has faded away and without this, there is nothing we can do to take back our relationship. With much love and appreciation, this is a goodbye."
Surrendering into vulnerabilty
There I am at the beginning of this massive shift into self-transformation, the voice of the Jackal telling me that I cannot make it and that I have no tools, experience, or guidance in my favor. Failure is on the table, and all the odds are against me, but I am committed to the cause and it is non-negotiable. Standing alone at the bottom of this massive rocky mountain I tell myself that I will make it no matter what, that I will die trying, and that the only thing that matters is finding love.
I feel the eyes of an audience landing on me, witnessing how I take off my masks, exposing myself completely naked and vulnerable to the laughs and humiliation of others. I just broke my childhood promise. My throat is closing, I look around and see all the faces looking at me, my voice cracks when I speak and share publicly my past story and who I really am. I look at the women in the room, searching for any sign of disappointment on their faces while I am giving them a reason to not like me. I surrender to the beating fear in my heart of being rejected and give up on a unique chance of ever being a good person in their eyes. Terrified of the reactions, I wait for the backlash to hit me, waiting for the first voice to raise up against me, but nothing happens. Women start slowly to show appreciation, love, and acceptance for showing up as who I am with my vulnerabilities and shame. Their words land on my heart as a gentle nourishing hug healing my fears and wounds. I am finally accepting that my past does not determine who I am, only my choices of today do. Love is my path, but when will I finally find her?
Looking outside the window I observe how the city that embraced my love fades away in the past. My love is leaving my body and is converting into tears with each memory of magic gone. The profound sadness is taking over claiming its space. The emptiness of a loss and the conquering sensation of the victory of my deepest fear is left over. The dots start to connect during the process of experiencing the pain of our last moments together. She was the one I dreamed of for so long, the reason why I decided to live instead of die. Her fears had conquered her love, locking it into a sealed box written on the hundred reasons why to ever allow it out. All of them pointed out the only reason I would have ever believed someone would reject me. I feel lowered to a simple number, a superficial value has been stamped on my forehead. You do not have enough money to provide for my comfort is repeating inside of my head. Once more I have failed in the attempt to be loved and accepted for who I am, the comfort of money is more valuable to her than being gifted by love.
I realize there is nothing I can do, except from letting her go into her own self-transforming journey while surrendering in faith that her devotion might one day wake up from within the darkness of fears, realizing that the only thing money cannot buy, is the bliss of love. The gift that life or god has given to all of us, is an opportunity to choose to allow love to be part of our life or give up to our fears allowing them to conquer us. Love is abundant in each and one of us, sacred unions are scarce so that we can learn to appreciate the deep value of it, and choose for love.
“The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you found out why.”
By finding my new purpose, I redacted this story to inspire hope and teach the tribe how to surrender and learn the abilities required to experience deep states of love.
Love always starts within oneself, choose love, not fear.
COACH FOR MEN
INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP
Hi, I am Tente and I am a...
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