Have you lost your inner warrior? Not too long ago, my answer would have been yes. I spent many years immersed in my female energy, the result of a life of pain and misdirection. I was raised in a family where feelings were not acknowledged and certainly were not nurtured. I underwent a long process to awaken to emotion and learn what it is to feel. I lived for so many years without feeling anything, that when I connected to my female energy, I dove deep into my emotions. I wanted to feel, something as pure as the energy of love.
In achieving this deep state of emotional awareness and connection, I had run away from my darkness. I was oppressing my dark masculinity and rejecting my inner warrior, distorting the real understanding of self-love. I did not know at that time that rejection and self-love cannot co-exist in us.
This issue became even more apparent when I became romantically involved with people. I would feel the abandonment of my inner warrior even more deeply, and by the time I became aware of it, it was too late. I allowed myself to be completely absorbed by my patterns, mistakenly calling it kindness and generosity. It took me years to realize that I was allowing myself to be mistreated - I had been so focused on giving all of myself to the other person that I had forgotten the value of self-love.
The truth is, my childhood and my background had demonized my inner warrior. I wanted distance from my childhood where I was brought up in a ghetto, where drugs and violence were the norm and respect was demanded by any means. For many years I considered myself as a real Alpha, although at the time I couldn’t see the perspective was distorted. I began to connect to my feminine, and in searching for balance, I overexaggerated my kindness which led to me oppressing and rejecting my inner warrior. I could only see my inner warrior as that violent being from the ghetto times. This imbalance led to a relationship where I was mistreated, disrespected, and taken advantage of for my kindness and patience. I was kept forgiving and waiting for the next criticism or insult. I couldn’t see it at the time, but by doing this I was hurting myself deeply. Because I had oppressed and feared him, my inner warrior was not present anymore.
"I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees." Inner Warrior
I allowed myself to believe the words of a person who humiliated me, told me I was a reformed gangster, and compared me to other men who studied and had prestigious careers. I allowed myself to believe that I was nothing but a ghetto kid, not man enough because I had no degree. However, I found that the deep pain inside me wouldn’t be silenced. It kept rising to the surface, demanding to be dealt with. During the rising up of my deepest pain, I felt lost and overwhelmed. I had to confront the inner man I had been running from.
"I would rather be a lonely warrior than be a coward in a crowd." Inner Warrior
What was really happening is that my inner warrior was waking up and fighting for his life. He was fighting for his position and his rightful place. A warrior who serves and protects! An alpha male that knows how to lead and thrive without any sense of revenge, without any need to prove himself. He knew how to establish boundaries and expect respect without having to reject, disrespect, or abuse people in his path. The rebirth of my warrior had begun.
"I am invincible, but not unbeatable. Unbeatable because I cannot always win, but invincible because I will always get up." Inner Warrior
I began to give space to my inner warrior. The inner warrior was roaring - he had things to say. By giving a voice to the wounded boy inside me, I was able to recognize and honor his survival, and see my inner warrior emerge. The inner boy was wounded and hurt by so many mistreating situations and when the inner warrior stepped in, he finally felt protected, secure, and confident.
With awareness, love, and acceptance, I managed to turn the distortion into clarity, wisdom, and - ultimately - inner peace. Rather than rejecting either my male or female energy, I was able to connect them in a deep cohesive connection, and was able to make decisions from a new place of inner balance.